Human Hardship
by sparrowlove
Summary: Castiel falls. Angels don't experience emotions the way humans do, so he's confused and thinks something's wrong wth his vessel, because of things that are happening with him around Dean. Butterflies in his stomach, etc. He asks someone about it.


It's hard to be human. Castiel supposes it's too early to come to the conclusion that man is in a constant state of something he believes is called nausea, or that man constantly feels heat on his face, or that the heart of man constantly beats in a way Castiel can't help but think isn't normal, but it has been nearly two days since Cas... left (and two days is too soon for him to even think the term "fell") and the feelings haven't gone away.

When Bobby comments that Castiel looks flushed, the angel begins to wonder if he isn't suffering some unusual side effect of losing his grace. He decides to ask: "I believe there may be something wrong with me," he says nervously.

"You're probably just not used to being human," Bobby says. "Give it time, kid, you'll get there." Castiel almost corrects him, reminds Bobby that he's by far the older, then realizes that his vessel is no longer his vessel; it's his body. Which is younger. Castiel is a little saddened at this realization, mostly because he did enjoy the company of Jimmy Novak, sometimes, and the man is now completely gone, forever, though Cas knows it is for the better, as Jimmy was just barely holding on to life anyway. Either way, it doesn't explain his symptoms.

Castiel considers asking Dean, but the man is nowhere to be found, and though Castiel is actually feeling much better at this point, he figures he ought to find out in case the uncomfortable feelings returned, so he seeks advice from Sam.

He relays his symptoms to the man, and Sam says, "Well, are you feeling that way now?" Castiel is about to reply in the negative, but is interrupted by Dean's entrance.

"What's going on?" Dean asks, his mouth full of what Castiel assumes to be a cheeseburger, judging from the fast food bag in his hand. He begins to feel a bit dizzy again.

"Yes," Castiel says quietly, in reply to Sam's question. Sam looks over at his brother, and Castiel follows his gaze.

"Did you feel sick when Dean wasn't in the room?" Sam asks, and Castiel tells him _no_. Sam rolls his eyes and sighs. "Oh... you have got to be _kidding_ me," he says.

"I am serious," Castiel responds, feeling confused.

"You only feel sick when Dean is around?" Sam asks, trying to stifle a laugh. Castiel thinks about it and realizes that, yes, this is indeed the case.

"What does this mean?" The (now fallen) angel asks. It takes a few minutes to get a response because Sam has given up attempting to control his emotions and is laughing too hard to tell him.

Finally he manages to choke out, "Well, unless you're allergic to him—unlikely—then you love my brother." Sam doesn't know why he finds the situation so funny, especially considering that this is _his brother_ they're talking about that the angel-man-human-thing—whatever Castiel is now—is in love with, but he just barely manages to stop laughing as Castiel cocks his head to the side and looks at him.

"Of course I love your brother, Sam," Castiel says. "I love all of God's creatures." This sets Sam off again.

"Cas," Sam says, shaking his head. "You suck at being human."

"I did not choose this, Sam," Castiel replies sulkily. "Please," he says, "just explain what is happening to me. What does this all have to do with Dean?"

"You should talk to him about it," Sam says, grinning. Castiel heeds Sam's advice and leaves the room to look for Dean, who has probably gone to get more French Fries or soda. It may be the smallest hotel room the hunters have ever stayed in, but the motel _is_ right next to a Burger King.

Castiel catches up with the man outside. "Dean," he says. "I have to talk to you."

"Yeah?" Dean replies.

"I—" Castiel isn't sure where to begin. He feels his face getting warm. "My head feels odd. And my stomach. But not painful. Just... odd. And I feel dizzy."

"You're probably dehydrated," Dean says, uncomprehending. "I'll get you a Coke or something inside." He moves to keep walking, and Castiel puts a hand on Dean's arm to stop him.

"I love you," he tells Dean, and even though he is only repeating Sam's diagnosis, the words seem right.

Dean's eyes widen. "What the hell, Cas?" Castiel isn't sure how to read the look on Dean's face. He can't tell if it's simply a look of confusion, or if there's some other emotion mixed in. Or whether that possible added emotion is closer to agreement or disgust.

"I... I don't know," Castiel says, faltering. There is a small group of trees separating the motel and the fast food restaurant, and Dean grabs Castiel by the shoulder, placing his hand in the same position that the angel placed _his_ hand on Dean's shoulder to raise him from Hell. He pulls Castiel into the center of the grove, out of sight from passersby.

"What the hell?" Dean repeats, and Castiel replies again that he doesn't know.

"I told Sam how I felt and that it was only when you were here and he told me..."

"So Sam's just messing with me then? He told you to say that?" Dean says, sounding annoyed.

"No," Castiel answers. He tries to make Dean understand. "I do not know how to explain myself," he says. "I care for you, Dean Winchester. More than I care for others."

Dean looks at him quizzically. "Cas, you suck at being human," he says. Castiel tells him that Sam said the exact same thing. "I'm not surprised," Dean says in response.

Then he puts a hand on Castiel's chest, over his heart. Castiel feels his heartbeat speed up a bit and begins to back up, but Dean stops him with his other hand. Dean moves closer, and Castiel feels his heart beat faster, and he's sure that Dean can feel it too. "Interesting," Dean mutters, his face just inches from Castiel's.

Then his lips touch Castiel's, and Cas feels as though he is on fire. Dean pulls him closer, his hand still on the angel's heart, and Castiel closes his eyes.

It's still hard to be human. But there are certain advantages, and Castiel thinks he'll get used to it.


End file.
